Merry Christmas! So I may have talked up my new Italian cooking skills so much that when I offered to cook Christmas dinner for my family, the stakes were incredibly high. I made pasta with pancetta and spinach in a tomato cream sauce, balsamic glazed brussels sprouts with cranberries, and tiramisu. The first two dishes went off without a hitch, but the last was a little rough. I had never actually made tiramisu before and apparently eating large quantities of it doesn't teach you by osmosis. If you'd care to learn from my mistakes, I've actually figured it out after much trial and error, so here we go:
DON'T TRUST THE RECIPE. Well except for this one, because I've already ruined it and learned and I'm sharing my shame for your benefit. I used Ree Drummond's recipe from The Pioneer Woman Cooks and I feel slightly betrayed. Number one, she told me to get a 7oz package of Savoiardi biscotti (ladyfingers). Two problems with that: first I thought it was a good idea to look for these at Walmart (not the pioneer lady's fault). I don't know if you've ever asked a Walmart employee "where the ladyfingers are?" but they do not respond well. Second, when I finally tracked them down at the classy (pricey) grocery store near my house, I bought 7oz just like Ree said. Great, except two days later on Christmas eve I discovered that there is now way in hell that you can make a respectable tiramisu with 7oz of cookies and Miss Drummond is a liar. I had to go back to the store at 4pm on Christmas and I was almost killed by a frenzy of desperate housewives of Johnson county.
Anyway, get at least 12oz of the damn cookies, and don't try Walmart.
Now for the recipe! First you have a decision to make: do you want to use the Marsala wine or be a cheap bastard and just stick with coffee? I, for one, am not about to spring for a $20 bottle just so I can use 3/4 a cup (that stuff is not fun to drink by itself). In hindsight I probably should have just purchased the stupid wine and chugged the bottle as I cooked.
No wine? Ok, make two cups of espresso. What's that you say? You don't have an espresso maker? Don't ask another Walmart employee, he "just stacks these boxes, yo." I ended up buying a box of single-serve packets of Nescafe Taster's Choice and putting 4 into a cup. What can I say? I panicked.
Take the two packages of ridiculously expensive mascarpone that you hunted down in Walmart's fancy cheese section and put them in a bowl. Mix it up to air it out and let it sit to warm up to room temperature. Then take five egg yolks, whisk them with 1/4 cup sugar until they turn pale yellow and put them in a bowl over a pot of boiling water. Stir that until it "thickens" god knows what that means, man I wish I'd had that Marsala. Refrigerate it.
Whip a cup of heavy whipping cream with 4 tablespoons sugar until "not quite stiff." Man, bakers are vague. Fold in the mascarpone and the chilled egg mixture (it's called Zabaglione if you use the wine). Don't over-mix, just gently poke at it with the spatula until there is minimal lumpage.
Now line up all the pretty ladyfingers (if you lose the space, "lady fingers" sounds exponentially more serial-killer-y) in the dish. She said 9x13" pan but I went for the square. If you're feeling super classy you can bite off the ends of some of the lady fingers to make them fit. God that sounds creepy...
Now here's where I really messed up. Ree warned me not to put too much coffee on the cookies, lest they become soggy, and I became incapacitated by fear and dribbled less than half a teaspoon on each poor cookie. You need to put AT LEAST a whole tablespoon on each or your tiramisu will be a dry and crunchy failure.
Now spoon on the creamy mascarpone zabaglione mixture that has supposedly been chilling in the fridge for 1-2 hours (try 20 minutes). Be gentle as to not disturb the little baby cookies.
Sprinkle it with real cocoa powder. Not, as this resident loser did, Milk Chocolate Flavored Hot Cocoa Powder (which looks slightly grey and is probably 80% sugar and 100% gross).
Layer more cookies over that, then the creamy cream, then the cocoa powder. Do that twice (three layers total) and try not to forget one of THREE simple steps, like me, and have to scrape back mascarpone to dribble coffee on the forgotten biscotti. After you finish all three layers, put it in the fridge for a few hours before serving. Bing bang boom that's how babies are made.
Recipe for (Not F**ked Up) Tiramisu
Adapted from The Pioneer Woman Cooks
Ingredients
5 egg yolks
1/4 cup of sugar, plus 4 tablespoons
1 cup heavy whipping cream
1 pound mascarpone cheese, softened
2 cups espresso coffee
1 tablespoon vanilla
2 packages (14oz) Savoiardi or ladyfingers
Cocoa powder for dusting
Instructions
1. Put about an inch of water in a saucepan and bring to boil, place a mixing bowl in it large enough that the bottom will not touch the bottom of the pan (double-boiler). When the water starts to boil, take it down to a simmer.
2. Whisk the egg yolks and 1/4 cup of sugar until the mixture turns pale yellow (about a minute). Place the mixture in your double-boiler and stir continuously, scraping the sides, until it thickens (about 3-5 minutes). Refrigerate until cool.
3. Place mascarpone in a bowl and stir until soft and smooth, let sit until room temperature. In a mixing bowl, use an electric mixer to whip the cream and 4 tablespoons of sugar until slightly stiff (when the shapes in the cream from the beaters stay put). Gently fold in mascarpone and egg mixture until combined. Put in fridge for about an hour.
4. Add the vanilla to your brewed espresso. Arrange a layer of ladyfingers in your pan (9x13 or 11x11, or something like it). Spoon at least one teaspoon of espresso over each cookie. Spread a third of the mascarpone mixture on top and sprinkle with cocoa. Repeat twice more.
5. Cover and refrigerate for a few hours before serving, to allow the cookies to soften.
Enjoy your lovely tiramisu! Apologies to Miss Drummond, her recipe is great and it's not her fault I completely ruined it on the first go. Special thanks to my family for insisting it tasted fine as I cried in shame.
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